Sunday December 3, 2023

I'm so tired of my life. I'm tired of being depressed, angry, tired, and struggling with everything I do, my family pretends to be there for me but deep down i know they think I'm just some stupid 22-year-old that can't take care of herself and is always making bad choice and playing victim. I am so over not having anyone in my corner to just believe in me or listen to me, everyone keeps saying that everything is going be ok and that they believe in me when they really don't. I have to pretend that my life isn't falling part and that I'm fine when I'm really not. I have to tell myself every morning that today will be a good day that and I won't have to worry about what I'm going to eat that day or how I'm going to pay bills. I'm I research something or ask anyone for help I feel stupid. I feel so unwanted by everyone when all I am trying to do is find so type of love and support. Every day I just want lock myself up or kill myself because I'm tired of being alone, crying alone, tossing and turn in my bed, and screaming. My mind feels so heavy and my heart empty. 

Just in a matter of a month I crashed my car, lost my job, struggled to pay rent, worry about my next meal or if my water or Wi-Fi would cut off, got pregnant by someone who could watch my die and wouldn't feel anything, my crush and I aren't communicating or seeing how each other feels. and tomorrow morning I am aborting my first child even though I really want my baby and I don't believe in abortion; I'm scared that everything is going to hurt and I'm going to cry even though I can't, and I have to again pretend like this is what I want. How do I know that this won't be the only chance I have to become a mother that, one day I can start my own family with someone whose going love and be there for me no matter what, that's not going to judge me for my past. 

I don't know what my future hold and that hurts and scares me so much. I'm trying to reach my dreams and goal but can't even see them becoming my reality. Having to plan for 6 months from now, when you don't even know if you'll make it to your birthday. I just want my mom to sit with me while I vent and cry and be my mom, but I can't even depend on her. It's like I'm not even her daughter anymore. My dad keeps telling me he loves me but acts like I don't even matter. I'm just done with everything I just want to be happy and at peace.