Sunday December 3, 2023

I'm so tired of my life. I'm tired of being depressed, angry, tired, and struggling with everything I do, my family pretends to be there for me but deep down i know they think I'm just some stupid 22-year-old that can't take care of herself and is always making bad choice and playing victim. I am so over not having anyone in my corner to just believe in me or listen to me, everyone keeps saying that everything is going be ok and that they believe in me when they really don't. I have to pretend that my life isn't falling part and that I'm fine when I'm really not. I have to tell myself every morning that today will be a good day that and I won't have to worry about what I'm going to eat that day or how I'm going to pay bills. I'm I research something or ask anyone for help I feel stupid. I feel so unwanted by everyone when all I am trying to do is find so type of love and support. Every day I just want lock myself up or kill myself because I'm tired of being alone, crying alone, tossing and turn in my bed, and screaming. My mind feels so heavy and my heart empty. 

Just in a matter of a month I crashed my car, lost my job, struggled to pay rent, worry about my next meal or if my water or Wi-Fi would cut off, got pregnant by someone who could watch my die and wouldn't feel anything, my crush and I aren't communicating or seeing how each other feels. and tomorrow morning I am aborting my first child even though I really want my baby and I don't believe in abortion; I'm scared that everything is going to hurt and I'm going to cry even though I can't, and I have to again pretend like this is what I want. How do I know that this won't be the only chance I have to become a mother that, one day I can start my own family with someone whose going love and be there for me no matter what, that's not going to judge me for my past. 

I don't know what my future hold and that hurts and scares me so much. I'm trying to reach my dreams and goal but can't even see them becoming my reality. Having to plan for 6 months from now, when you don't even know if you'll make it to your birthday. I just want my mom to sit with me while I vent and cry and be my mom, but I can't even depend on her. It's like I'm not even her daughter anymore. My dad keeps telling me he loves me but acts like I don't even matter. I'm just done with everything I just want to be happy and at peace.  

January 24, 2022

Where do I see myself five to ten years from now? I think about this question every second of every day. There's  never a second where I'm not think about where I'm going to be at 25 or 30. One things for sure I don't wanna be where I am now. yes, I'm blessed and grateful to live in a 3 story house, have my own room, car, and to be live typing on my Mac book listening to music, but I can't help to dream and think of being an adult and being on my own. 23 living in Charlotte or close to Charlotte studying theater at a community college, and business and dance at an university, having money and good friend to travel and go places with. *sigh how that sound like the life and peace I want being free to go where every I please at anything. I'm kinda scared to be on my own and have fears and doubts I need to work on and face, I feel like if I put my self in the position to be on my own and learn I feel like I would learn and mature a lot as a young women and adult. 

mood Jan 3rd 2021

Jan 3rd 2021

Ok i'm typing this to get this out of my mind. So I'm sad and irrupted because again I did it again. I meet a nigga try to get to know him and he switches up. Ugh like why can t you just be nice the whole time. All I'm asking for is for a man who can't deal with my attitude not leave me hanging and is genuinely A nice dude and its going to give up on me. With his dude I tried something different like not jumping straight into a relationship with the dude and actually getting to know him. I asked him to show me the real him and to my surprise he was hiding this hold new side of him. FUCK I''m asking for the universe to send me someone who is true for me. I believe that one day that will happen soon.

I'm not happy - my story

I am not happy😔. Everyday I wake up feeing the exact same way, somedays I try to hide it😀 others I let it show😕 but no-one knows how I feel every second of everyday or no-one bother to care😒😔. No matter how hard I try to convents myself that I'm ok👍 and that I'll be happy soon😄😕. I know deep down that tomorrow I'm going to feel the same way😓. I've try everything to make myself happy, doing thing I like, like dancing💃, singing🎤 writing✍ drawing🎨 ,watching movies🎬, eating my favorite food😋, even having a boyfriend💑😍. Clearly nothings working,😒 other wise I wouldn't be sit in my room in the dark typing this. Most of my life I've been bullied😖😞😠 for the way I look👀 or act😜 or for what I say🙋,  comprehend and understand🤔  things. My home🏡 and family👪 isn't the best either. At 6 years old my mom👩 moved my sister and I👭 to a whole new city🌆 away from our father👨 and our dads side of the family. As a kid I was very close with my dads side of the family considering my Aunts, uncles, and cousins were so close to where I lived. I never had solid friend😔😕 like normal kids so it help having my cousins so close by to play😂🏀 with and talk to when I was lonely. I loved💖 the city I grown up in also because their was so much to do and see in my opinion, the people were nicer😄💑👋 and environment felt comfortable😌 and my next door neighbor🏠🏡 was like my best friend👭😂😎 and on top of that we went to the same elementary school🏫🎒. Speaking of school I adored💗 my elementary school the principle was nice my teachers where nice even the kid were polite and respectful I loved school and learning and it was easier for me then. That all changed in a blind of an eye, before I knew it was say bye👋😢 to everything I knew and loved dearly to start over. Not only was it hard leaving family but I was so young too young to understand what was going on I could help but be terrified😓😨 , hurt and angry😠. I hate the city we live in now , the only family   I have here is my aunt on my moms side of the family. I have no cousins or friends to play with or talk to and I hated my new schools the teacher were strict 👿my class mates were rude and mean 😖😟and I was getting bullied for the way I talked or act and understood things. To this day I'm still getting bullied and treat like an outsider and my teacher aren't always understand ,polite or patient with me. I feel like an alien👽 in a world of normal people. I'm a senior in high school now and it still is  😢tuff for me to adjust to this new life.